Stress, Anxiety, and my Body

I often deal with acute anxiety and sometimes even chronic on rare occasions.

It is quite stressful and then it reaches a point where my body begins to react physically as well. Then I feel like it’s the end of the world. When the college faculty strike ended, I had jaw pain and a headache for a whole week even once we were able to go back to school, even though all the stress I had was during the strike.

When I passed my G2 road test, I had the same headache afterward. But this time, it feels like it’s in the middle of the event instead. Almost two weeks ago now, I remember banging my left hand on something (which just so happens to be my dominant hand) and then a few days later my thumb started to hurt from episodes of stabbing pain, to occasional burning and tingling. Whenever I get specific aches and pains, especially in my nerves, my anxiety kicks in fearing it’s an early sign of some life-altering disease like arthritis (rheumatoid or osteo) or multiple sclerosis. Then I start going down Internet rabbit holes because I will book an appointment to see my doctor, and often, I am unable to see him until one or two weeks later. (It’s really shitty in Canada right now, many people don’t have a doctor and you wait too long to see one) I become even more anxious because I want answers and don’t want to wait.

I mean, it seems normal to be concerned about osteoarthritis because my grandma had it, and my dad has it. My aunt on my dad’s side also had multiple sclerosis, but then I had to remind myself that I don’t have any of the other symptoms, so I should be okay.

My mom thinks it’s just damage to the local nerve from the hit.. whatever that was, and it’ll take a few weeks to heal. Well, it’s been almost two, and I’ve had to stop using a controller when gaming and only use my mouse and keyboard while playing for shorter periods because it might cause a flareup. I don’t want to put my Horizon Zero Dawn playthrough on hold forever. Plus, it isn’t easy to reduce the usage of one’s hands, especially if you have a job like mine. Some repetitive motions at my job have made it flare up as well. I hope to get some answers from my physiotherapist as well because immobilization can only be done for so long. If it really is a damaged nerve, then perhaps some exercises will help, too.

But the point of the matter is that the stress is getting to me because I don’t know for sure what it is and as a result, the rest of my body reacts.

My right arm tingles and burns, I had a vertigo episode in the middle of a shift once, a crying spell at home, and my right hand aches because it’s not used the amount of work I’m giving it. Not to mention, my dad has a cold, and then I caught it from him. So I’m overloaded all because of something that could have just been a little nerve injury that will heal in time.

It’s crazy what stress can do to your body, so you’re wondering why I seem to live in an echo chamber by quitting Twitter and Instagram when they became shitholes for me, why I refuse to be too involved in politics other when it’s time to vote, why I don’t stay caught up with the news is because I feel it would give me more stress than I already have. Plus, add the cherry on top that has lived with anxiety all my life, and then I give you. It’s just too much for me. Too much stress and anxiety are not good for my mental and physical health.

Some of my family may not agree with my choice to say, not keep up with the news, for instance, but I have to do what’s best for me first.

Why is it that April seems to be the month of misfortunes for me? Last year, my Instagram got hacked, and now this?

This is only temporary though, my mom always said that when you mentally acknowledge pain, it becomes less severe, so hopefully, with some therapy and patience, I’ll be able to work better without worrying about aches and be back in my preferred gaming method in no time.

👽Emily