Want a Ride Razor Girl?

I’ve been having a daydream lately that still won’t appear in my nightly dreams, it’s been happening ever since I started playing Brutal Legend. In one of the side missions in this game after you take the beer kegs to the beach, one of the Headbangers there will complain to Eddie that he wants to score one of the Razor Girls, but the Thunderhogs keep stealing them.

Ironic, considering that the Thunderhogs’ leader is literally Lemmy, who I’ve been told, was a ladies’ man, but also a gentleman in his lifetime and that’s a total turn-on for me.

When you start the quest, you must keep the bikers from moving too close to the bottom of the screen in a top-down view. You can do this by getting the Headbangers to form a mosh pit to push them away. However, I find the controls for this to be a nuisance because when you start the pit, it moves slower than normal walking and the Thunderhogs are coming from every angle. I reached a point where I just gave up and said:

Screw it. Let the Thunderhogs have them. Hell, if I was a Razor Girl, I’d date a Thunderhog in a heartbeat.

And that is how this daydream was born, if I could be anyone in the metal world from this game, I’d be one of the Razor Girls. I’m good at ranged attacks when it comes to RPGs, it’s like I was a born archer.

It was just another day in Bladehenge and I was hunting for Tollusks with my weapon made from the carcass of a razorfire boar. I felt confident that I could handle myself solo in any hunt after training with Lita and the other girls.

I wandered over some hills and saw one eating the carcass of a Raptor Elk, its steel trap jaws tearing into the flesh and blood was dripping on its teeth. It looked like it was almost finished its feast and I loaded my weapon and fired. The beast looked up and came charging after me like a dog fetching. I lured it into the nearest valley and started firing rapidly at it, but it was difficult with the way my weapon was designed like I had to reload after every shot.

I tried to aim for the Tollusk’s legs in hope of slowing it down as I ran. I kept stopping to turn and shoot but then something knocked me down from behind, like a claw piercing me in the back, I screamed and fell, my weapon slid across the grass too far for me to crawl and reach. Another Tollusk had clawed me and roared as its partner arriving, I struggled to escape, trying to get to my weapon but they were closing in on me, hungry and ferocious like those metal teeth wanted a good bite. Then a shockwave pulsed throughout the area, stunning them, the sound of a motorcycle thundered. Someone picked me up, I didn’t see who but I was moving again at a great speed all I saw was the cloudy sky above me.

The first thing I heard when I began to regain consciousness was the sound of a bass guitar, I didn’t recognize what riff the song was from but it felt like it was healing me. It was like the claw marks on my back were fading faster than it takes for blood to clot. I opened my eyes I saw that I was lying on some kind of stretcher made of stone with the face of a war pig at the front. I sat up and saw my weapon sitting on the side of the table, but I was drawn elsewhere before I could pick it up and run. I was at some kind of temple and seated in the bony chairs were several men who looked like bikers eyeing me like I was the prettiest thing they saw.

The one on the highest spot who appeared to be their leader, grinned cracking his knuckles and said:

Good as new, you’re lucky to be alive. Those Tollusks are bastards, best stay away from them if you’re out there alone.

He sounded British but I knew he was the Kill Master, the other Razor Girls spoke of him having the ability to heal with the power of bass. I thanked him shyly and he stepped down from his high podium, I took his hand he offered, and he helped me off the platform. No one had told me anything about him being such a gentleman. He said one of his Thunderhogs had found me in that clearing and brought me back for healing.

When I asked him if he knew a better way to hunt Tollusks, he offered to take me out and teach me as long as I stayed close to him. I smiled saying:

Sure Lemmy, anything to be a better fighter if I’ve got you by my side.

He chuckled, no one had called him by his real name before but I somehow already knew it. Then he climbed on his motorbike, lowering his sunglasses a little and gesturing me to climb on.

I thought he was being flirtatious but his chivalry was flattering. I grabbed my weapon enthusiastically and boarded. We sped down the mountain and out into the heart of Bladehenge with me riding on the back keeping a lookout for Tollusks and other monsters.

We soon found one feasting just like the last one I saw. The bike activated another shockwave, paralyzing it. It was too insert to react when I fired at it and then when I was ready, I hopped off the bike and stuck my weapon’s bayonet in its gut. When it fell, I harvested my resources and hopped back on Lemmy’s bike.

Let’s just say the rest of the dream was spent of us hunting together and he was able to heal me if I got wounded if a stunned monster was still able to attack when I went for the killing blow.

Yeah I can see the suspicion from my friends now! Riding with him around Bladehenge is pretty romantic too in my mind. Nothing like killing monsters together!

A good dream of myself in the brutal world alongside a legend, I couldn’t ask for more.

👽Emily